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Hard Times are Pulling Many Families Together
by Judit Price
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Despite the difficulties that so many families are facing, I believe there is a silver lining that
is strengthening the family, encouraging a more honest and open relationship between spouses,
non-married people living together, partners and others within family type units. Recent studies
suggest that the "traditional" husband-wife family units comprise less than 30% of households.
Yet, a growing percentage of clients that I meet, especially male clients, are initially
accompanied by a "significant other," who has both an emotional as well as a financial interest in
the success of the client. In most cases a child or children are part of the household, creating
an even greater sense of urgency.
What is new and very encouraging is the openness with which the men are willing to confront their
issues, to share their fears and hopes honestly within the family unit, and to seek real support,
as they attempt to move forward and rebuild their lives. This is most obvious with people forty
and younger, less so with older workers. But even that's changing among those we refer to as the
"silent generation."
This is a generation of largely middle class, white males, mostly over 55 who were the primary
bread-winners, even in two income families. These people valued company loyalty, and weathered
difficult times silently, with courage and stoicism, fully confident that good times would return
and their positions, both social and economic, would be reaffirmed.
For too many, it didn't happen. As a result, stress on the family was enormous, exacerbated by an
unwillingness of the breadwinner to confront reality. Rather than pull together, jointly create
some sort of plan, and make necessary adjustments, too many families simply carried on silently,
creating a toxic environment with all that implies for the health of the marriage and the
relationship with the children.
We have all heard stories about the husband who got up every morning, shaved, dressed and left the
house, briefcase in hand, acting as though everything was normal. And although it is an extreme
example, this attitude was symptomatic of a generation that had and still has enormous difficulty
coping with the changes in our workplace.
Younger people, however, and a growing number of older men, seem to be adopting a different view.
First, loyalty to an organization has greatly diminished. In addition, a large number of clients
are looking for a direction in which they can genuinely feel that they are adding value, such as
in some sort of helping or non-profit profession. In addition, the "macho" challenges of
unemployment or underemployment are no longer viewed as personal failure that must be shielded
from the family. Rather, economic dislocation is viewed increasingly as beyond personal control,
resulting in a greater emphasis on pulling the family together, sharing the reality (as painful as
it may be), creating cooperative strategies, and moving forward as a unit. This attitude
generates strength within the family unit and provides more openness and optimism as family units
work through these tough times together.
I see this because more and more men are willing to come forward, express their feelings honestly,
and give voice to their anger and frustration openly. Facing these difficulties, combined with
openness and candor, enables them to gather the strength to move on.
Over the years, the number of men I see has grown significantly. But more importantly, the number
of men who simply want to vent has decreased. This is especially apparent when accompanied by a
wife or significant other who gives encouragement to honestly recognize the situation, stop
dwelling on the past, and move on.
Women, unlike men, have never changed in this regard. Women seem to face reality as it exists,
rather than how they might want it to exist. As a result, my women clients have been able to
better cope with career and job related difficulties, approaching their situation more
realistically, seeking a plan for the future, and ignoring the past.
With a husband and two sons, I well appreciate the delicate nature of the male ego. As a
counselor, I well understand how that male ego can be a real barrier to seeking career
alternatives, and unnecessarily create additional family trauma. Consequently, the changes I see
are extremely encouraging.
Men, in increasing numbers, seem to be turning away from their employers and careers as the center
of their lives. I see a need for more balance between job and family. The desire for work,
career satisfaction, fulfillment and economic well-being, are as strong as ever. However, career
and job seem to be playing a more balanced role in the lives of men. In my view this creates a
much weaker bond between employer and employee, and a much stronger bond within the family unit.
I am convinced this is good for both the employer and the employee, creating a healthier family
and a more productive, dedicated, and less cynical, workforce.
I also believe enlightened employers are beginning to recognize this trend. They probably realize
employees won't stay around for long out of any strong sense of loyalty or commitment to the
organization. They understand that many now look for more equilibrium in their lives. They see
the need to create a more family-friendly environment to maintain a dedicated and productive
staff. They also know, that the promise of future reward for low pay and long hours rings hollow,
except for a few.
Competitive issues notwithstanding, the silent generation and their sons are far less silent; and
that's good.
About the Author:
Judit Price
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